Seriously? Is It Just Me…

Posts Tagged ‘dating

Occasionally, a former male boss and I had would find ourselves having some rather random yet interesting conversations in lieu of working through a difficult project. On one particular day, we found ourselves discussing hair transplants and the process involved in restoring hair in places where there was none. Unfortunately, my supervisor was among the roughly 40 million men in the United States suffering from male pattern baldness (thank you Wikipedia for the stat). So naturally, he was for the procedure, while I was arguing against it since I, along with many women, prefer a man who embraces his baldness over one who fights it down to the last hair standing.

My boss was unexpectantly surprised that a young (I was at the time) single woman would find a bald man visually acceptable, if not attractive. This made me wonder if most men fighting against the battle of hair loss even realize that most women really don’t care that they are bald, and in fact many find a clean-shaven head a sexy quality in a man. However, this revelation does come with a few disclaimers that must be communicated before men start running through the streets shouting that thinning hair is the new do.

Bald man

Take it all off...

1. The combover is disturbing. I tend to think that even Donald Trump knows the attempt to hide a large bald area by forcing a handful of hair strands to cover it up is not a good look. Unfortunately, he has branded it to a point where anything different would probably result in the loss of millions of hard-earned dollars. So let’s all agree that The Donald can singlehandedly rock the combover, while the rest of balding men shave it off.

2. Bald ponytails are pathetic. I realize that it’s difficult to accept that parts of your head can grow hair like a weed while others have succumbed to a pathetic hair follicle death, however it’s truly sad to see a man who is bald on top sporting a long ponytail. It’s an oxymoron that is doing you no favors, so accept the baldness in its entirety and let it all go. Just think how much you’d save on shampoo.

3. Hair hats are stupid. Guys, I know that you think wearing a hat full of faux hair on the top takes you back to the days when you had the warmth of hair on your head, but it’s not sexy or cool. In fact, you look ridiculous and frankly it’s misleading. Whenever I see one of those hats I wonder what animal had to die to make a hat with that stupid hair style.

Since I like the look of a cleanly shaven bald head, I will use this post to personally let the balding guys of the world off the hook, and inform them that baldness can work to your advantage if you just embrace it. If you can swallow the fact that you belong to an ever-growing group of hairless men, and learn to rock it well and with confidence then you just might find yourself a beautiful woman who enjoys rubbing on that smooth head of yours. Seriously!

End note: My boss never got the hair plugs; I like to think it’s because of my exceptional debating skills.

About a week ago while getting my weekly entertainment news fix, I came across an article revealing that the young pop-country “songstress” (and I use that term loosely), Taylor Swift had indeed written a song about her now shattered love affair with John Mayer. My first reaction was, is she old enough to be dating him, but then without really caring what the answer was to that question I wondered what is the attraction to this guy?

Love Notes

La La Lie to Me Meee

If you know anything about celebrity gossip you are all to aware that while John is not the sharpest knife in the drawer, and says incredibly ignorant and incoherent things to the media on a regular basis, he has a ex-girlfriend roster that reads like an all-star female cast movie blockbuster. From Jessica Simpson to Jennifer Anniston, to rumored attempts with Kim Kardashian and now the young Taylor Swift. If I’m being honest, I’m quite baffled.

Unfortunately, Americans tend to idolize their celebrities to the point where if they wobble or (gasp), actually fall of their star-studded pedestals, everyone cries in astonishment at their imperfections. However, I like to think of celebrities more like a snapshot of society’s gene pool as they tend to be just as wounded, scared and rejected as the rest of us. So when I think of John Mayer and his continuous move from relationship to relationship, I can’t help but attempt to find the parrallels of his issues with the rest of ours. Despite not knowing anything about him or his lady friends, a few things do stand out to me:

1. The saying that women fall in love with their ears and not their eyes is certainly true in this case. Clearly, the awkwardly shaped John is not the hottest male celebrity on the market, which tells me he must be doing a dynamite job serenading these beautiful blonde bombshells with the lyrics from his poetic songs.

2. That he must actually treat their bodies as a wonderland, which in layman terms means, he’s getting the job done in the bedroom. Let’s face it, a woman that is being treated right in the sack tends to stick like glue.

3. Even though recent girlfriends have witnessed John’s track record of breaking hearts, they still continue to go out with him against their better judgement and end up being sweep away in some lyrical emotional trap. My only guess is that these starlets also suffer from a bad case of “I’m special enough to tame this bad boy” syndrome. How’s that working for you, Taylor?

Sadly, it seems that this is simply just a celebrity version of the same scenarios regular folks go through on a daily basis; a man who is afraid of commitment seducing beautiful women who don’t think they are worthy of a good honest man doing the gut wrenching dating dance.

Of course, in this particular case my black sisters don’t have to worry about being taken advantage of by this Yahoo, after he so inarticulately informed us all that he can’t bring himself to sleep with black women even though he thinks they’re hot (and I’m putting it mildly). I’m betting all the celebrity blondes who fell in his snare were wishing they were as lucky, seriously?

I’m probably dating myself here, but does anyone remember the movie When Harry Met Sally? If you haven’t seen it, you should rent it on NetFlix, if for no other reason then to see how cute Meg Ryan was before she let a plastic surgeon butcher her face. Tragic.

The movie is most famous for the classic scene where Sally proves to Harry in a public restaurant that women do indeed fake it, and do it very well. But the movie wasn’t about the big O, it was actually about the changing face of a friendship between a man and a woman. The following is part of a dialogue from the movie:

Harry: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally: Why not?
Harry: What I’m saying is — and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form — is that men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.

Whenever I hear a woman who has been spending a lot of quality time with a guy say, “but we’re just friends”, I automatically think of this movie and shake my head. It may just be me, but I’m simply not convinced that it’s possible to truly be friends with a man — no strings attached. So can a man and a woman be nothing more than friends without someone wanting more? I’m not a dating guru, although after 20 years you would think I at least had a degree in it, but I have seen these scenarios all to often:


What do you think?

1. You like him – he no like you. Painful! You hang on as “friends” in hopes that he will one day recognize that you are the woman of his dreams. You spend so much time trying to convince yourself that you are okay with being friends that you actually forget to be his friend.

2. He likes you – you no like him. Even more painful. You have to endure the puppy dog I love you eyes every time you hang out with him. He continually reminds you that you are just friends, but you can tell he he’s really just trying to convince himself.

3. After years of friendship, you decide that there’s “something there” so you take it to the next level. If you can get past the incredibly awkward period, you may stand a chance. But that interim period where you can’t figure out if this is a good idea or not makes it very difficult on all parties involved.

Maybe I’ve just had bad experiences, but it doesn’t seem possible to be friends with someone of the opposite sex without the awkwardness of attraction flying around the relationship. In my opinion, men are for “dating” and women are for friendships. If you truly want to be friends with a man, may I suggest a good gay one with a great fashion sense, seriously?

Rejection Stamp

Ouch, is that necessary?

If you’re a human being then you’ve been faced with some type of rejection in your life. Whether it’s not being part of the cool crowd, or getting that job you really wanted, and of course, getting dumped by someone you really liked. Oh, the stings of life. It’s pretty amazing how much being rejected can impact your self-esteem, but what about the effects of having to reject someone.

Recently, I found myself in the situation where I had to inflict some tough love on a guy who I really cared about as a person. The problem was that he was not someone I wanted to be with in any type of relationship, other than friendship. Interestingly enough, throughout our tumultuous relationship, he’s had the opportunity to reject me but now I found myself having to reject him. Which begs the question, tis better to be rejected or to reject?

Being Rejected
We all remember a time when we were rejected by that special someone (if you haven’t then this is the wrong blog for you). Most likely he never told you he wanted out, instead he just disappeared. Perhaps you sensed his pulling away, as his calls decreased dramatically, he stop returning your text messages, and when you finally cornered (or rather stalked) him, he couldn’t seem to muster a reason other than “its me, not you”.

When you’re rejected, especially with no reason offered, it’s the not knowing that will drive you nuts. You and your girlfriends spend hours taking inventory of your insecurities as you try to analyze the demise of your relationship. Did he really like me? Maybe he was just too busy to be tied down? Could there be someone else? As you come up with zero satisfactory answers you vow to never do the same thing to anyone else.

Rejecting a Being
And then you find yourself in the situation where you’ve been involved with a guy for a while and you’ve determined that, although you like him, this is not the relationship for you. It’s now time for you to live up to your personal vow to be an adult and tell him you want out.

Most likely you start to remember how you felt when someone last rejected you, and you realize you don’t want to hurt his feelings. Then you think maybe I’ll just stop returning his phone calls and maybe he’ll get the hint, but then you remember the last time someone walked away from you and the frustration that ensued of not knowing why. You start to send a text message, but then you put your big girl panties on, call and give him the old standby line, “it’s me, not you”. After the call is over, you think that sucked and although you feel relieved you also feel guilty for breaking someone’s heart.

So which one is worse, being rejected by someone you really liked but understand they had their reasons? Or rejecting someone, knowing you’ve inflicted hurt onto someone you liked but just couldn’t make it work?

Personally, I think rejection of any kind sucks, but eventually you come to realize that it is them, not you. Seriously!

Out of Order

Maybe it's broken...

Believe it or not, there was a time in my life when a Saturday night out with a girlfriend was merely an excuse to go man hunting. We would get all dolled up in our sexiest clothes, the more you show the better your odds, and then teeter off to the newest hot spot in search of the “one” (because yes, he was in the clubs and bars despite what those old 30 plus year olds said).

Upon arrival, we would squeeze our way through the sea of people searching for the perfect bar seat that gave us the best opportunity to survey the crowd looking for hot guys. The added bonus, of course, would be people watching which was always one of our favorite past times. The rest of the evening would be spent scanning the room looking for a “sponsor” to buy us a drink and entertain us.

As I reflect back on those days of trying to snag a man, a hook-up or a friend, I’ve come to realize that I may have lost my dating mojo. I probably would be panicking right about now, if it were not for the fact that one of my girlfriends* has clearly lost hers too.

A few weeks ago, she and I made plans to actually get out of the house one Saturday night and decided to sashay over to a new bar in town. It turned out to be a really cool spot as we consumed fabulous cocktails, munched on yummy tapas, and chattered well into the evening.

I was in the middle of a story (which was funny, I’m sure) when I was approached by a slightly intoxicated guy so far from my type I wasn’t sure if he meant to talk to me or my girlfriend. Since I’m all for meeting new people, I politely engage in small talk before he asks if he could buy me a drink. Now, the younger me would have been all — “yes, I’d like another of what I’m having” because you never turn down free drinks, but instead I say, “no thanks, I have to drive home”. (More like I didn’t want to get a cab and potentially sleep on my friend’s bathroom floor.)

Thinking that would knock the wind out of his sails, I attempt to return back to my story, which I’m positive now was funny. However, that didn’t deter him as he proceeds to fill me in on his life details — in the music business, recently divorced, has an eight year old kid, and apparently likes his women of the chocolate variety (yes, he shared that with me).

So I’m nodding and smiling as I see my pursuer’s wingman, a rather short black man, make a beeline to my girlfriend. We had been tag teamed. Now, women with their dating mojo intact may have been all over this situation. Free drinks, musicians with connections (apparently Kid Rock and George Clintion, but no confirmation received), and no girl left behind to fend for herself. But not the two of us, instead in perfect unison as if part of a synchronized swim team, we both ask the bartender for our checks, insert laughter, leave our tips, insert hair flip, accept their numbers and then bolt for the door. Not a word exchanged between the two of us.

Clearly annoyed we stomp down to our cars when suddenly my friend busts out laughing. She points out that we both got hit on, ended up with phone numbers and we’re pissed off about it. I started feeling sad for us, but then I thought if they had been more our types that we would have stayed, drank and had a lovely time, but I the thing is I can’t say that for certain. Guess I need to go find my mojo, seriously?

* No names will be used…but she knows who she is.

I hate dating games. Don’t call him for at least three days. Don’t accept a date without a weeks notice. No kissing on the first date, and a whole host of other rules and regulations I probably don’t even know.

I want to believe that when you meet the right person there’s a connection that overrides all the unwritten rules and you just go with it. While every dating situation is unique there is one rule that actually has a grain of truth to it. Play hard to get.

As we near the end of my A Seriously Series on Who Let The Dogs In, I recently found myself once again reminded of the importance of point five:

5. Don’t Chase. Be Chased.

This is really a simple concept but I think so many of us forget how it truly works. So I put together a little presentation that explains the art of the chase:

movie star poodle

Are you able?

On more than one occasion, I’ve had men, who I knew personally and who I didn’t know from Adam, call me high maintenance. They would take one look at me and make the assumption that because I take care of my appearance, drive a nice car and enjoy good food and wine, I must surely expect my man to pay for my lifestyle – literally and figuratively.

I always find that observation frustrating, because I have never expected a man to pay for any of those things for me. Frankly, I’ve been taking care of myself most of my life, so my goal hasn’t been to find a man to keep me in expensive shoes, cars and other fine things.

But what I do expect is the one thing I have a hard time finding – respect, thoughtfulness, love and emotional support. I’m pretty sure that I’m not unlike most other women, who are also searching for a partner, a friend and a support system. Unfortunately, what happens is that we end of settling for only attention, affection and entertainment.

As part of my A Seriously Series on Who Let The Dogs In, I’ve noticed that women have lowered their expectations when it comes to finding a man which leads me to my fourth point:

4. Expect More.

It seems that many women forego their expectations or more likely minimize them when it comes to finding a man. It’s easy when you are sitting alone at home to daydream about the type of man you want and attach a mental (or written for you overachievers) checklist of expectations to that image. Unfortunately, after spending four Saturday nights alone, most of us start marking items off our list. The next thing you know, you’re at the bar with friends and some arrogant yahoo is telling you to buy him a drink, and you happily oblige and take his number. Without realizing it, you’ve slowly started to lower your expectations to the point of settling for less.

I was reminded the other day by my pastor, that true love is when someone pours themselves into you. They give more to the ones they love than they take from them. That’s what we should be expecting from a man.

I’ve always struggled with setting expectations because I tend to aim so high that it becomes impossible to obtain them. But I have to put my foot down when it comes to a man. If he doesn’t make me feel good about myself, if he refuses to be there when I need him, and he won’t respect me as his woman, then he’s not the one for me. If that means I’m high maintenance, then I’ll wear that badge with honor… Seriously!

love triangle with two women and one man

Walk Away!

One night while channel surfing I stumbled upon a documentary that quickly caught my attention. The setting was a fairly large modern home situated in a suburban neighborhood full of other newly architected residents.

Inside the house were the cheerful sounds of laughter and chatter from a family as they cooked dinner in their spacious kitchen. Upon first glance, the show appeared to be profiling everyday family activities until I noticed that there were three women preparing the meal for the large family. Just as I was thinking, “is this those”…the husband arrives home to happily greet his children and kiss each of his wives. The documentary I had discovered was profiling the lives of the modern day polygamist family.

I sat dumbfounded as I listened to the women justify their decisions to share their husband with each other. Then one wife made the point that society really shouldn’t be judging them for their lifestyle choice when so many men in “monogamist” relationships are cheating on their wives, which really isn’t all that different from their situation. My first reaction was what a crazy polygamist lady, but then the more I thought about it I realized she actually had a valid point.

As part of my A Seriously Series on Who Let The Dogs In, the polygamists inspired me to make my third point of this series:

3. Stop Sharing

While I respected the comment above, I do not believe that polygamy is the answer to the rampant infidelity issues among relationships today. Knowing what I know from others and myself, sharing your man with someone else is damaging to the soul, regardless of which side of the affair you find yourself on.

The problem is no one, not the wives, girlfriends or the mistresses, are holding cheating men accountable for their behavior. In fact, it seems that more and more women are finding themselves in open marriages, swinging or polygamist relationships. As long as you look the other way, why would he not believe that you approve or don’t care about his behavior? There’s no reason for him to leave the other woman, when you’ve clearly let him have his cake and eat it too.

Dealing with a cheater can be tough, especially when you are so emotionally fragile. Do you forgive him? Do you kick him to the curb without a seconds thought? Do you let him go not knowing if he will ever come back? Maybe you even figure why not let him cheat, you aren’t interested any more?

Regardless of the challenges, it bugs me when I see women continue to overlook their man cheating on them by either repeatedly accepting his “apologies” or turning a blind eye to his behavior. Listen to your gut. Watch for the signs and nip it in the bud. Otherwise, you may find yourself sharing more than just your man with another woman, seriously!

One of the amazing things about children is that they have this innocent yet powerful way of reminding us adults how to live.

A few months ago, a short video of a young girl named Jessica was making its way around the web through all the major social media channels. For about 50 seconds, a golden haired four year old stands in front of her bathroom mirror excitedly telling herself how great she is and what she has to be grateful for in her young life. The average cynical adult would probably roll their eyes and think she’s just a kid, of course her life is great. But here’s the beauty of her video, this little girl is using a tactic that works at any age even when you’re feeling bad about yourself and your circumstances.

View the video:

As part of my A Seriously Series on Who Let The Dogs In, I realized that this video is a good example of what women should be doing when they find themselves seeking validation from a man instead of themselves.

2. Get Puffed Up

Unfortunately, I have to admit that I struggle with this process because it takes a lot of practice and constant reassurance from yourself. I believe that most people are moving through life searching for anyone to assure them that they are loved, worthy and acceptable. Instead of looking within or above for that approval, many of us grab on to the first person who shows us the slightest attention or affection despite whether they are a good person or not.

I continuously see women hook up with the wrong guy, and then are willing to accept his bad behavior because they truly don’t believe that they can do or deserve any better. Yes, the dating pool can get very shallow, very quickly when you realize that you aren’t willing to take crap from anyone, no matter what he looks like on paper. Of course, the lonely, am I worthy thoughts, begin to haunt you, so the validation search process begins all over again with the same bad results.

Instead of seeking that approval from some man, maybe we should take a cue from little Jessica and implement her affirmation process.

Head to your favorite mirror (we all have one), look yourself in the eye and remind yourself about all your good qualities. Remind yourself of all the good things in your life. And remind yourself that you are worthy of a good man who loves you, respects you and wants to be with you. If you have to dance and jump around while doing so, then all the more better, at least you can burn a few calories in the process too. Seriously?

As part of my new A Seriously Series on Who Let The Dogs In, I wanted to explore the first item on my list that women should remember when they find themselves in a relationship with a man who treats them poorly.

1. He Can’t Be Fixed…by you.

Most of the readers of this blog know that my beloved family dog, Nash, passed away earlier this year. (Read about Nash) However, you may not know that I had my own dog whom I loved tremendously. Several years ago, a young man who was friends with my sister brought over the cutest little red ball of furry sweetness who had been abandoned by his owners. Instantly, I fell in love with him.

A Dog Named Chewie

Chewie during his happy times!

We called him Chewbacca, or Chewie for short, and boy did he live up to his name. From the moment he realized our apartment was his new home, he began chewing on everything. Throw pillows, screen doors, furniture and even a hundred dollar bill – yes he ate up hard earned cash. His favorite trick was to make a mad dash out the front door as soon as it was cracked open and taunt you as you tearfully begged him to come inside. He burped in your face, farted on your pillow and snored all night long. On more than one occasion throughout our relationship I had my hand on the phone ready to call the Humane Society to come pick him up. No matter how much I disciplined him, took him outside to play, or loved on him, he was not going to change his ways. He was who he was, and I loved him so I dealt with it.

Often I think we find themselves in a similar situation with a man we are dating. He’s absolutely adorable, has some wonderful qualities about him and makes for great companionship but there are things about him you wish you could change. Could be that he’s bad with money, and spends it quicker than it comes in. Or perhaps he likes to go out clubbing when you like to stay in and entertain. Maybe he’s not a big family guy but you want to spend quality time with yours every chance you can get.

In these cases, most women become frustrated with the relationship thinking that eventually he’ll change or grow out of his ways. They think I just need to make him see how great my family is, or show him how staying at home is just as fun as going out. Unfortunately, all that ends up happening is resentment on both your parts.

I believe it’s critical to search your soul for the character traits you desire in a man and the ones that are deal breakers before even getting into a serious relationship. If the man you end up with falls short then it’s not a good fit no matter how cute he is. If he drinks too much and gets nasty with you, then chances are no matter what you do, he isn’t going to stop without some serious help.

Eventually, I realized that Chewie was just as unhappy as I was in our situation. I was living in a small apartment, working long hours and he had no other animals to play with. I knew I had to save us both. Thankfully, a good friend of mine and her husband ended up adopting him and he simply flourished in their care. Although, I cried for days at the loss of my dog, I knew he was in a better place. He gained weight, had a friend to play with and a large yard to run in all day. He thrived and became the pet that I knew he could be, he just needed the right owners.

I think that we need to acknowledge that the man we are with is who is he, and maybe he’s simply not a good fit for you. Instead of trying to change him and making you both miserable, accept him for who he is or let him go. Yes, it will hurt for a while, but nothing compared to the pain of trying to make him into someone he was never meant to be.

Although Chewie was much happier with his new owners, he would make every effort to test their patience with his unbelievably frustrating jail break moments. He wouldn’t have been Chewie without bringing tears to your eyes, seriously!

P.S. Chewie passed away in early 2009. I imagine him and Nash eternally playing with each other in puppy Heaven.

Soapbox Diaries from an Unplanned Single Life!

I hope you enjoy the random thoughts, observations and life lessons that I've learned along the way. It's called Seriously? because some days I just shake my head and say seriously, is this my life?

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