Seriously? Is It Just Me…

Posts Tagged ‘drug

When I was much younger I used to love me a ruffneck aka a boy from the hood. I think I was attracted to the fact that they had seen and experienced so much more than I had and that drew me towards them. However, now that I’m older being asked out by one of these guys should raise all kinds of red flags. But, not so much for me, as little over a year ago I found myself going out with an absolutely adorable young guy from the streets and I chose to ignore all of the following warning signs. 

1. He was 22. Okay, usually I don’t have a problem with being a cougar, but this kid spoke with all the latest slang and lingo that conversations with him resulted in me saying “What” more often than “Word”. But he was so cute, and I figured who needs quality conversation?

2. He had no assets. No car…no home…no education but hey most kids that age haven’t established themselves yet. The only challenge I saw in this was that I had to wait around all night for him to get permission to use his mom’s car. But he really liked me, and he was so adorable.

3. He was a former drug dealer. Former being the word I chose to cling to in my state of denial. Beside I thought it was great that he was getting his life back on track. Actually, I was feeling a bit lonely, he did really like me, and did I mention how cute he was?

4. He had been stabbed. Back in the day, the story behind how he was attacked would have intrigued me but now I was more concerned about his recovery process and the after effects. Okay, so my hormones were raging, I was lonely, he liked me, and he had a nice body despite the huge scar.

5. He was terrible in bed. Now that I’m older my expectations are much higher and I’m done training the children how to please a woman. I want my partner to show “me” something instead I was laying there feeling sorry for poor girl he somehow managed to impregnate (oh yeah, he had a kid). Well, apparently looks aren’t everything.

So I finally had enough and decided to part ways with my baby thug. Of course, he didn’t take it well, called me a few names, and had me wondering if he might send someone to “take care” of me. But he managed it get past the rejection and we ended it amicably. 

You know, the older you get, the harder it is to date especially when you get lonely, your hormones start raging, and you end up finding yourself ignoring every warning sign just for a minute of companionship. I wish someone would invent a a Single Sanity pill just for these desperate situations, seriously!

Now, I love a good sleeping pill. Some nights it’s the only way to end the tossing and turning and the fear of waking up with dark circles under your eyes. So I was excited about taking the new sleeping pill on the market called Ambien (this was awhile ago). Since I’m no stranger to sleeping pills, I figured it would work like all the others – you get drowsy, you lay down, you fall asleep and you sleep soundly until morning. Yea Pills! However, not so much with this sneaky crap pill.

Oh I got drowsy alright, and I laid down, and I fell asleep but then I woke up. Not in the morning as I had anticipated but on the phone having a conversation with a guy who I had recently befriended and frankly wasn’t someone I needed to be talking to with less than full faculties. He claims I didn’t say anything incriminating, but for a control freak like me it scares me to not know what I said to him. I’m actually still waiting for the day when he is flat broke and decides to black mail me in order to fund his bank account.

I guess it could be worse…I could be one of those poor souls who either ate all the contents in their fridge, had random sex, or drove around town without knowing it. And to think, this whole time I thought sleeping pills were a gift from God, who knew the Devil decided to get into the game. Seriously?

Just found this out a little bit ago (on Facebook) of all places. My ex (who I lived with/worked for) has gotten married. Hmmm – how do I feel about this? In a word: WEIRD.

Did I ever want him back? HELL NO – he was an awful partner – (did I mention the drug problem that was unknown to me, but everyone else knew about) – I guess what really bothers me is that he always made me feel like something was wrong with me, that I was not a good person, that I was lucky to have him (and not vice versa) – he always had to be center of attention (and if you know me, that is where i want to be -giggle).  He made me “shrink” as a person for 3 1/2 years and for that I will always be angry (but more at myself for settling).

Just stirs up a lot of feelings of inadequacies. I know I am 100 x’s better off now than when we were together – like Mika said when the two of us split “I feel like I am getting my KIM back”.  OK – this actually felt better to type this out – kind of like free therapy (sorry Alyssa)…

All I have to say is that the new “Mrs. Cokehead” needs to keep her assets in her name and watch for flying wine bottles….Seriously

Soapbox Diaries from an Unplanned Single Life!

I hope you enjoy the random thoughts, observations and life lessons that I've learned along the way. It's called Seriously? because some days I just shake my head and say seriously, is this my life?

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