Seriously? Is It Just Me…

Posts Tagged ‘ex-boyfriend

It seems like every time I turn around, some new dating statistic is released that yet again dashes the hopes of many a single woman over 30. I tend to not remember the specific numbers since most likely they are inaccurate, but I’m constantly hearing about how:

  • The chances of finding a man go down the older you get.
  • The chances of finding a man go way down if you are a black woman.
  • The chances of finding a man go up or down depending on what city you live in (mine is down, by the way).

So it’s not a complete surprise, when I hear about some women who have determined that men recycling is clearly the way to go these days. After all, going green is the new fad, so why not apply that same principle when it comes to dating a man who once dated one of your friends. Frankly, most men are technically “recycled” from someone’s past relationship, however, there is certainly a fine line as to which of those men are acceptable to date. Wouldn’t dating be so much simpler, if there was a handy-dandy flip chart that helped you discern when it was appropriate to start a relationship with a friend’s ex. So here’s my lame attempt at a help guide:

The first step is to determine what type of friend she is and how to proceed. If she’s an:

  • Acquaintance then mark O for Okay
  • Member of your Girl Pack then mark M for Maybe
  • Best Friend Forever (BFF) then mark C for Caution
  • Like a Sister or your Sister then mark H for Hell No

The second step is to determine what type of relationship she had with her ex-boyfriend before you can proceed. If they were:

  • Blind Dates then mark O for Okay
  • Casual Dating (less than 6 months) then mark M for Maybe
  • In a Long Term Relationship then mark C for Caution
  • Married (with or without children) then mark H for Hell No

The last step is very simple, match up the two codes to determine if it’s okay to begin the relationship. Obviously, there is no simple answer, except for maybe dating an acquaintances former blind date.

Undoubtedly, I’m an advocate for a single woman finding an intimate, committed and connected relationship with a man but not at the expense of destroying a loving, connected relationship with a friend. In all fairness, each situation is different and it truly depends on the parties involved, but it should be discussed with each party involved. In other words, no sneaking behind her back hoping one day she’ll understand and be “happy” for you. You have to honestly take stock of the how it will affect your relationship with your friend and potentially if this guy is worth losing that friendship over. I know it may be hard to believe, but despite what the statistics say, there has got to be more fish in the sea, seriously?

In the land of love, many will reminisce about the “one” who got away, but what about the “one” who won’t go away. Who is this guy? Well, he’s the one who you had major chemistry with, dated for a significant amount of time and fell madly in love with despite your intentions. In many cases, you may have exhaled, decided to get married and live happily ever after. Ah, but sometimes life doesn’t always work out the way we planned.

For whatever reason, the relationship ends and while you are stunned, heartbroken and have to be peeled off the couch by your friends, you eventually come to realize that it was the best thing for both of you. Yet you still hold a soft spot for this guy and letting him go becomes the challenge of a lifetime. Most exes leave never to be heard from again, but for whatever reason, you find yourself in a twisted merry go round relationship with this guy, one that neither one of you is willing to jump off first. So how do you make it stop:

1. Stop communicating with him. Yes, I know that your hearts literally skips a beat every time he calls but that should be a warning not an invitation. The only way to get off the merry-go-round is to end the constant conversations. Eventually, you won’t think twice about letting him go straight to voicemail.

2. Stop meeting him for a rendezvous. Nothing makes the heart cling steadfast to a past relationship than still being intimate with him. Sure, it’s comfortable and he knows what you like but this only confuses the heart, mind and spirit. Eventually, he stops asking because he should know the answer will always be no.

3. Stop calling, texting or Facebooking Happy Birthday, Merry Christmas or Happy President’s Day. All these dates are an excuse to keep the lines of communication open. Eventually, you only remember his birthday when someone randomly mentions the date.

4. Stop thinking you can be friends. When you convince yourself that he’s suppose to be a part of your life even if he can’t be a lover, then all the above becomes impossible and therefore the “one” never goes away. I’m all for having friends in your life, but with so many kind, supportive and fun people in the world I recommend spending your energy finding someone else to fill that vacant role. The heart doesn’t forget who it once loved.

5. Go find another “one”. True, easier said than done, but nothing helps you forget an old flame than a bright shiny new one. Besides, I doubt the new man in your life will be accepting of your late night text messages and casual get togethers with your old boyfriend…er friend.

Cutting all ties with someone who you truly enjoy being with and love dearly is difficult. Every relationship serves its purpose in your life. If the relationship with the “one” didn’t work out, then take the time to determine what you learned from it, make a mental note and walk away. Of course, it could quite possibly be easier to stop smoking crack than end a relationship but eventually with time and willpower you will get there. Now maybe one day I’ll be able to completely jump off my own merry-go-round and meet you at the finish line, seriously.

I used to know this woman who had this humiliating track record. Every one of her ex-boyfriends ended up marrying the woman he dated immediately after her. All together now…”Awwww”. Yes, it’s bad enough when your ex-boyfriend has the nerve to move on before you do, but to then marry the next woman he dates can be a tough pill to swallow. It may seem inconsequential, but ironically many of us tend to have a hard time when we discover that our past partner has officially moved on to other pastures. It’s interesting how you often hold onto the following assumptions in order to help yourself heal from a broken relationship.

  • He’s miserable without you. (And if you live in Nashville, he’s probably writing some sad country song about his misery.)
  • He’s secretly hoping to get back with you. (And if he tries, you tell yourself you’ll let him down gently. Not really.)
  • He’s struggling to find someone better than you. (And he never will cause you were the best thing that ever happened to him in the whole wide world.)

It’s not necessarily that you still want to be with that person or even that you want them to be unhappy forever. It really boils down to that unanswered question still buried deep inside of you…why couldn’t he be happy with you? Whenever a relationship fails, you tend to look inward and start dissecting yourself mercilessly, usually after you’ve run out of reasons he was at fault. Of course, this all would be so much easier to deal with if you were the first one to find someone else, seriously?


Milk Carton

Milk doesn't do the body good!

Have you ever found yourself needing some milk only to discover that the bottle in your fridge has been expired for a few days? You sigh heavily with frustration as you ponder if it’s okay to consume. You think to yourself, it does look okay, it is only a few days old, what harm could it really do? Well, someone once told me that dating an ex-boyfriend was a lot like drinking spoiled milk. When you think about it, it does kind of make sense.


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OK – a few weeks ago Mika and I were talking about the different people that we had added as “friends” on FACEBOOK – some we did not really want to add but felt obligated to add anyway – I told her “just add them and you can delete them in a few weeks and they will not know the difference” – little did I know that I would be “burned” in the same manner.

I have an “ex” who lives in St. Pete Beach – we briefly dated but have stayed friends over divorces, different couplings, job changes, etc. We became friends on facebook a few mos. ago. Every  now and then he would post something a bit “dirty” and I would delete it – but no big deal.

Well last week I went to wish him a “merry x-mas” on facebook and he was not listed as a “friend”. I was like WTF – I immediately emailed him to uncover the mystery. Well Paulie married a new wife within the last year and she made him delete anyone that he had been “intimate” with as being his friend on FACEBOOK…I was like “well, you must have lost half your friends – you perv”

This is weird for me – i understand why she would do that – even though i have absolutely “NO INTEREST” – (if I did, I would still be with him – whatever) – but none of my business….just feels weird to be shunned like that (or slapped with silence as they say on The Office). I guess I now know how it feels and need to rethink my Facebook etiquette….Seriously!

Soapbox Diaries from an Unplanned Single Life!

I hope you enjoy the random thoughts, observations and life lessons that I've learned along the way. It's called Seriously? because some days I just shake my head and say seriously, is this my life?

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