Seriously? Is It Just Me…

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Passing NotesI was in elementary school when I received my first love letter from a boy. Back in my day we didn’t have texting, emails or Facebook (and we walked uphill in the snow, both ways), so notes were done the old fashioned way…on wide ruled notebook paper.

As I was attentively listening to my 3rd grade teacher, Mrs. Arnold, explain how to add fractions, a small triangular piece of paper is flung on my desk. If I hadn’t been overtly aware of my surroundings I might have missed it but there it was folded horizontally three to four times and then folded repeatedly into a tight fat triangle. An observant teacher would have channeled her student’s unique paper folding techniques and maybe conducted an origami lesson or two?

On the top of the note, I see my name misspelled and so illegible that the poor author was clearly getting an F in penmanship. (Do they still teach this in schools today?) I quickly and stealthily scan the room as my heart races trying to determine which of my fellow male classmates had the guts to pass me a note during class. After failing to achieve any sort of eye contact from the sender, I anxiously unfold the note to see the words that form one simple sentence. Do you like me? Underneath is a box labeled Yes and next to it, a box labeled No. Signed Michael*.

The other day it dawned on me that the art of the like is gone especially when it comes to relationships, and I was reminded of the infamous elementary school ‘do you like me’ note. It seems the older we get the harder it is to tell someone that we like them. Despite your feelings, there’s the fear and anxiety of wondering if you’re revealing too much, too early or if he will think that you are wanting something more, too soon. I can’t remember the last time I heard or said I like you to a date. Part of life is about meeting and getting to know other people, and there are some, male or female, that you will like and there are others that you won’t.

One of my favorite things about Facebook is the abiity to “like” something instead of having to write a response. You can like pictures, statuses, comments, or businesses that you frequent. You simply click Like and a thumbs up displays next to your name. Maybe this simple process will remind us that is cool to tell others that we like them.

Although I was probably only eight years old, after reading my first like note, I unfortunately followed the lead of all other girls before me and made a box titled “maybe” and marked it accordingly. And thus begins the single girl’s journey of navigating the tricky waters of telling a boy how she really feels about him.

Just admit it, you like him. Seriously?

* More like name forgotten than name changed in this case.

In the land of love, many will reminisce about the “one” who got away, but what about the “one” who won’t go away. Who is this guy? Well, he’s the one who you had major chemistry with, dated for a significant amount of time and fell madly in love with despite your intentions. In many cases, you may have exhaled, decided to get married and live happily ever after. Ah, but sometimes life doesn’t always work out the way we planned.

For whatever reason, the relationship ends and while you are stunned, heartbroken and have to be peeled off the couch by your friends, you eventually come to realize that it was the best thing for both of you. Yet you still hold a soft spot for this guy and letting him go becomes the challenge of a lifetime. Most exes leave never to be heard from again, but for whatever reason, you find yourself in a twisted merry go round relationship with this guy, one that neither one of you is willing to jump off first. So how do you make it stop:

1. Stop communicating with him. Yes, I know that your hearts literally skips a beat every time he calls but that should be a warning not an invitation. The only way to get off the merry-go-round is to end the constant conversations. Eventually, you won’t think twice about letting him go straight to voicemail.

2. Stop meeting him for a rendezvous. Nothing makes the heart cling steadfast to a past relationship than still being intimate with him. Sure, it’s comfortable and he knows what you like but this only confuses the heart, mind and spirit. Eventually, he stops asking because he should know the answer will always be no.

3. Stop calling, texting or Facebooking Happy Birthday, Merry Christmas or Happy President’s Day. All these dates are an excuse to keep the lines of communication open. Eventually, you only remember his birthday when someone randomly mentions the date.

4. Stop thinking you can be friends. When you convince yourself that he’s suppose to be a part of your life even if he can’t be a lover, then all the above becomes impossible and therefore the “one” never goes away. I’m all for having friends in your life, but with so many kind, supportive and fun people in the world I recommend spending your energy finding someone else to fill that vacant role. The heart doesn’t forget who it once loved.

5. Go find another “one”. True, easier said than done, but nothing helps you forget an old flame than a bright shiny new one. Besides, I doubt the new man in your life will be accepting of your late night text messages and casual get togethers with your old boyfriend…er friend.

Cutting all ties with someone who you truly enjoy being with and love dearly is difficult. Every relationship serves its purpose in your life. If the relationship with the “one” didn’t work out, then take the time to determine what you learned from it, make a mental note and walk away. Of course, it could quite possibly be easier to stop smoking crack than end a relationship but eventually with time and willpower you will get there. Now maybe one day I’ll be able to completely jump off my own merry-go-round and meet you at the finish line, seriously.

  • In: The Art of Dating
  • Comments Off on Seriously, is it bad that I’m glad your relationship ended?

Finding true love can be tough, and I happen to know several people out there constantly searching for the one, including myself. With so much match making going on, it’s not uncommon for me to hear either first hand or through the grapevine about the ending of a myriad of relationships.

Generally, when someone I know finds their special someone, I’m happy for them. And in return, if I learn of their break up then I feel bad that it didn’t work out. Recently, I discovered through Facebook (the new Mrs. Kravitz) that a male friend of mine had ended his relationship of six months to a girl who was just not right for him. Honestly, when I saw this update, I silently rejoiced that he was no longer hitched. Of course, this got me to thinking when is it ever okay to be glad that someone’s relationship has ended:

1. When it’s not a good fit.
I wish it weren’t so, but there are just some guys and gals out who are going to have a hard time finding someone worthy enough for them. My friend mentioned above, who has an amazing personality, fits into this category. When a really great guy gets saddled with some poor excuse for a woman (and vice versa or same-sex), it breaks my heart. So when I heard that he saw the error of his ways and cut her loose, I silently rejoiced.

2. What goes around comes around.
We all know that karma is a bitch especially when you’re on the receiving end. If you treat someone poorly chances are high that someone is going to do you the same way. So when I hear of that guy who figured he could treat a girl anyway he wants until she realizes she’s better than him and cut bait, I silently rejoice.

3. Misery loves company.
There are just some folks out there who just can’t seem to pick the right type of person for them, and this includes me. So when their relationship ends yet again, I’m torn between feeling bad for them and silently rejoicing that I’m not the only one who can’t seem to get it right.

I’m pretty sure that there is someone out there for most of us and it just boils down to being ready to find the right person for you. It’s not about luck but about being open and ready for that special someone to enter your life. If only all of my friends weren’t struggling so much to find a mate, then I could happily rejoice out loud for them, seriously?

Ah, the holidays! The time of year that is often the most difficult for your average single adult. With the winter chill starting to hit the air, it seems that people are making sacrifices and lowering expectations in order to survive the holidays. I get it…no one likes to attend a holiday party or family function alone. So it doesn’t surprise me that it’s usually about this time of year when you start to hear about new relationships budding and just about everyone you know has hooked up with someone whether it makes sense or not. As I notice the Facebook statuses changing to “in a relationship”, I can’t help but wonder if come June, when there are still vacations to be had, short shorts to be worn, and six more months left to achieve goals, will the single status make a comeback. Seriously?

cell phone

I’m a child of the 80’s. The decade when it was a big deal to get cable TV, a VCR and call waiting. I didn’t grow up in this generation of technology where there are at least 10 different ways to communicate with your friends and family. When a boy wanted to ask me out on a date, he would call my “landline” (provided by Bellsouth) and if I was home I would take his call. If I wasn’t home, he’d have to leave a message with my mother and/or call back later. Really quite a simple concept. Ah, but then the world of technology took over.

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Seriously, with friends like these who needs enemies?
While watching the Real Housewives of Atlanta (guilty as charged) I was struck by how often these women referred to each other as friends yet never once acted like one.  Between online social networks and the keeping up with the Jones mentality, the word friend has lost is true meaning among so many people. Heck on Facebook, everyone who’ve ever met in your life is called your friend. What makes a person your true friend? That question may be easier answered by knowing who isn’t your friend.
The Fairweather Friend
“OMG, we so need to get together!” – This is the woman who consistently invites you to her showers, her weddings, her birthday parties and other random social events. You attend her gatherings, bring your gift and support her cause. Yet when you send her an invite to one of your parties she’s no where to be found. If you’re lucky she offers up an excuse as to why she’s M-I-A. Once you recognize you’ve got a Fairweather friend on your hands, take her for what she is and don’t feel obligated to show up to her events.
The Hater
I’ve had many a Hater friend, and initially she can be tough to spot since the reason you most likely became friends was because you had so much in common. Maybe you shared the same fashion sense, or you were both single and looking, or you lived in the same neighborhood. All of these reasons you had in common with her essentially make you her most fierce competitor. How do you she’s a hater and not a friend? Her support for you is next to nil. You get a new boyfriend, she’s angry with you. You buy a new pair of hot shoes, she buys the same pair. You redecorate your home, she has nothing to say about it. Whenever you find yourself being competing against by another woman it’s simply time to re-evaluate the friendship and let her go.
The Two-Facer
Sad to say, but it’s quite easy to spot this woman disguised as a friend. If she’s talking trash TO you about everyone you know….guess what? She’s talking trash ABOUT you to everyone you know. It’s that simple. Just keep your business to yourself, smile and nod as she goes on and on about everyone else and eventually she gets bored with you and moves on.
Unfortunately, these are just a few of the more damaging “friends” out there so it’s no wonder many women say they can’t be friends with other women. Yes, it can be hard to find a good girlfriend, sometimes even harder than a good man. I’ve truly been blessed to be surrounded by women in my life who I can call true friends. We make every effort to attend each other’s events, we support each other’s accomplishments, and we call each other Bitches as a term of endearment rather than behind each others backs. At the end of day, I know I can call on them to be there for me and they will show up.
We’ve all been in the situation where we thought a friend was truly a friend only to discover she was actually just a frenemy. Just like when you end a romantic relationship, you get up, dust yourself off and move on. But once you do find a true friend, you’ll be forever grateful, seriously.

While watching the Real Housewives of Atlanta (guilty as charged) I was struck by how often these women referred to each other as friends yet never once acted like one.  Between online social networks and the keeping up with the Jones mentality, the word friend has lost is true meaning among so many people. Heck on Facebook, everyone who’ve ever met in your life is called your friend. What makes a person your true friend? That question may be easier answered by knowing who isn’t your friend.

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Just found this out a little bit ago (on Facebook) of all places. My ex (who I lived with/worked for) has gotten married. Hmmm – how do I feel about this? In a word: WEIRD.

Did I ever want him back? HELL NO – he was an awful partner – (did I mention the drug problem that was unknown to me, but everyone else knew about) – I guess what really bothers me is that he always made me feel like something was wrong with me, that I was not a good person, that I was lucky to have him (and not vice versa) – he always had to be center of attention (and if you know me, that is where i want to be -giggle).  He made me “shrink” as a person for 3 1/2 years and for that I will always be angry (but more at myself for settling).

Just stirs up a lot of feelings of inadequacies. I know I am 100 x’s better off now than when we were together – like Mika said when the two of us split “I feel like I am getting my KIM back”.  OK – this actually felt better to type this out – kind of like free therapy (sorry Alyssa)…

All I have to say is that the new “Mrs. Cokehead” needs to keep her assets in her name and watch for flying wine bottles….Seriously

It’s my belief that every wise woman should take the time to reflect upon her life and acknowledge any life lessons she has learned. With it being the last day of 2008, it only seems appropriate that I blog about the top 5 things I learned this past year.

1. “Sinners Have Souls Too!” including me and Kim. And who would have thought that we would have found a cool church that embraced us for who we are with no judgments. Yea God!

2. Planning a wedding takes a lot of work. And if you aren’t careful you can lose months of your life in the process. I’m pretty sure we had a summer this past year, but we spent most of it helping plan the Fabulous Wedding of my sister.

3. I’m NOT a fan of all God’s creatures. Actually, I already knew this but after facing iguanas in Aruba and then maggots in my closet, I can without a doubt now add these two critters to my already long list. 

4. History Ain’t So Bad After All, especially when you have a hand in it. What a wonderful and memorable experience it was to watch the USA elect their first black president. I heart Obama!

5. Face to face interaction is essential to any relationship. Look, I’m all for technology – I love Facebook, can’t go anywhere without my iPhone, enjoy telling stories on our blog, and would be lost without email or texting. But at the end of the day, I need face time, touch time and talk time with the people in my life, and if a man can’t give me that he’s not the one for me. Besides, I’m not quite ready to embrace cybersex.

Just like any year, 2008 had its ups and its downs, but it turned out to be a good personal growth year. However, I’m looking forward to the new year – Everything’s FINE in OH-9!

Happy New Year Everyone…Seriously!

OK – a few weeks ago Mika and I were talking about the different people that we had added as “friends” on FACEBOOK – some we did not really want to add but felt obligated to add anyway – I told her “just add them and you can delete them in a few weeks and they will not know the difference” – little did I know that I would be “burned” in the same manner.

I have an “ex” who lives in St. Pete Beach – we briefly dated but have stayed friends over divorces, different couplings, job changes, etc. We became friends on facebook a few mos. ago. Every  now and then he would post something a bit “dirty” and I would delete it – but no big deal.

Well last week I went to wish him a “merry x-mas” on facebook and he was not listed as a “friend”. I was like WTF – I immediately emailed him to uncover the mystery. Well Paulie married a new wife within the last year and she made him delete anyone that he had been “intimate” with as being his friend on FACEBOOK…I was like “well, you must have lost half your friends – you perv”

This is weird for me – i understand why she would do that – even though i have absolutely “NO INTEREST” – (if I did, I would still be with him – whatever) – but none of my business….just feels weird to be shunned like that (or slapped with silence as they say on The Office). I guess I now know how it feels and need to rethink my Facebook etiquette….Seriously!

Soapbox Diaries from an Unplanned Single Life!

I hope you enjoy the random thoughts, observations and life lessons that I've learned along the way. It's called Seriously? because some days I just shake my head and say seriously, is this my life?

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