Seriously? Is It Just Me…

Posts Tagged ‘SINGLE

female-dogNow I’ve never been married, so I don’t know what it feels like to have a husband who works with, socializes with or finds himself in the company of single women. I’m sure if someone has trust and/or jealousy issues then this could be a big problem for their marriage. However, I do know what it’s like to find myself having to socialize with married men, mainly for professional reasons, and to be treated so poorly by their wives simply for being single. These women (bless their hearts) are clearly struggling with some issues, but it’s always in my best interest to spot them early on and then steer clear. For those who have yet to experience the chilly demeanor of a mean wife, here are a few signs:

1. You are constantly having to tell her your name. Despite having met her at more than one company function, dinner party and/or social event, your name “escapes” her memory every time.

2. You feel a sharp pain in the back of your neck from the daggers she’s shooting at you through her eyes. If I’m talking to her husband, when I feel these nasty glares darting my way, I take an extra step back away from her man and limit my laughter. I clearly will not be able to express any enjoyment while conversating with her spouse.

3. You find yourself engaged in a conversation with her where she continues to deliver back handed compliments about your outfit, shoes and/or accessories. Now, this is always so comical to me because it’s always the wives who don’t work outside the home, and spend up their husbands money who find it appropriate to play the I have more than you do game. Really?

4. You find yourself biting your tongue while she proceeds to give you unsoliciated “advice” on why you’re not married. Comments such as, you’re too picky, too independent or unapproachable seem far reaching and clearly inappropriate especially when they’ve never spent more than 15 minutes with you. You don’t even know my name, why do you care if I’m still single or not?

Now contrary to what some married women think, most single women do not want your husband. I have several married friends, who are confident in their marriages, trust their husbands and care enough to know the people he works with on a regular basis. Therefore, when the mean wives rear their ugly heads, I simply smile, nod and dish out my own dose of back handed compliments right before I say a small prayer for their husbands. Seriously.

Occasionally, a former male boss and I had would find ourselves having some rather random yet interesting conversations in lieu of working through a difficult project. On one particular day, we found ourselves discussing hair transplants and the process involved in restoring hair in places where there was none. Unfortunately, my supervisor was among the roughly 40 million men in the United States suffering from male pattern baldness (thank you Wikipedia for the stat). So naturally, he was for the procedure, while I was arguing against it since I, along with many women, prefer a man who embraces his baldness over one who fights it down to the last hair standing.

My boss was unexpectantly surprised that a young (I was at the time) single woman would find a bald man visually acceptable, if not attractive. This made me wonder if most men fighting against the battle of hair loss even realize that most women really don’t care that they are bald, and in fact many find a clean-shaven head a sexy quality in a man. However, this revelation does come with a few disclaimers that must be communicated before men start running through the streets shouting that thinning hair is the new do.

Bald man

Take it all off...

1. The combover is disturbing. I tend to think that even Donald Trump knows the attempt to hide a large bald area by forcing a handful of hair strands to cover it up is not a good look. Unfortunately, he has branded it to a point where anything different would probably result in the loss of millions of hard-earned dollars. So let’s all agree that The Donald can singlehandedly rock the combover, while the rest of balding men shave it off.

2. Bald ponytails are pathetic. I realize that it’s difficult to accept that parts of your head can grow hair like a weed while others have succumbed to a pathetic hair follicle death, however it’s truly sad to see a man who is bald on top sporting a long ponytail. It’s an oxymoron that is doing you no favors, so accept the baldness in its entirety and let it all go. Just think how much you’d save on shampoo.

3. Hair hats are stupid. Guys, I know that you think wearing a hat full of faux hair on the top takes you back to the days when you had the warmth of hair on your head, but it’s not sexy or cool. In fact, you look ridiculous and frankly it’s misleading. Whenever I see one of those hats I wonder what animal had to die to make a hat with that stupid hair style.

Since I like the look of a cleanly shaven bald head, I will use this post to personally let the balding guys of the world off the hook, and inform them that baldness can work to your advantage if you just embrace it. If you can swallow the fact that you belong to an ever-growing group of hairless men, and learn to rock it well and with confidence then you just might find yourself a beautiful woman who enjoys rubbing on that smooth head of yours. Seriously!

End note: My boss never got the hair plugs; I like to think it’s because of my exceptional debating skills.

About a week ago while getting my weekly entertainment news fix, I came across an article revealing that the young pop-country “songstress” (and I use that term loosely), Taylor Swift had indeed written a song about her now shattered love affair with John Mayer. My first reaction was, is she old enough to be dating him, but then without really caring what the answer was to that question I wondered what is the attraction to this guy?

Love Notes

La La Lie to Me Meee

If you know anything about celebrity gossip you are all to aware that while John is not the sharpest knife in the drawer, and says incredibly ignorant and incoherent things to the media on a regular basis, he has a ex-girlfriend roster that reads like an all-star female cast movie blockbuster. From Jessica Simpson to Jennifer Anniston, to rumored attempts with Kim Kardashian and now the young Taylor Swift. If I’m being honest, I’m quite baffled.

Unfortunately, Americans tend to idolize their celebrities to the point where if they wobble or (gasp), actually fall of their star-studded pedestals, everyone cries in astonishment at their imperfections. However, I like to think of celebrities more like a snapshot of society’s gene pool as they tend to be just as wounded, scared and rejected as the rest of us. So when I think of John Mayer and his continuous move from relationship to relationship, I can’t help but attempt to find the parrallels of his issues with the rest of ours. Despite not knowing anything about him or his lady friends, a few things do stand out to me:

1. The saying that women fall in love with their ears and not their eyes is certainly true in this case. Clearly, the awkwardly shaped John is not the hottest male celebrity on the market, which tells me he must be doing a dynamite job serenading these beautiful blonde bombshells with the lyrics from his poetic songs.

2. That he must actually treat their bodies as a wonderland, which in layman terms means, he’s getting the job done in the bedroom. Let’s face it, a woman that is being treated right in the sack tends to stick like glue.

3. Even though recent girlfriends have witnessed John’s track record of breaking hearts, they still continue to go out with him against their better judgement and end up being sweep away in some lyrical emotional trap. My only guess is that these starlets also suffer from a bad case of “I’m special enough to tame this bad boy” syndrome. How’s that working for you, Taylor?

Sadly, it seems that this is simply just a celebrity version of the same scenarios regular folks go through on a daily basis; a man who is afraid of commitment seducing beautiful women who don’t think they are worthy of a good honest man doing the gut wrenching dating dance.

Of course, in this particular case my black sisters don’t have to worry about being taken advantage of by this Yahoo, after he so inarticulately informed us all that he can’t bring himself to sleep with black women even though he thinks they’re hot (and I’m putting it mildly). I’m betting all the celebrity blondes who fell in his snare were wishing they were as lucky, seriously?

Rejection Stamp

Ouch, is that necessary?

If you’re a human being then you’ve been faced with some type of rejection in your life. Whether it’s not being part of the cool crowd, or getting that job you really wanted, and of course, getting dumped by someone you really liked. Oh, the stings of life. It’s pretty amazing how much being rejected can impact your self-esteem, but what about the effects of having to reject someone.

Recently, I found myself in the situation where I had to inflict some tough love on a guy who I really cared about as a person. The problem was that he was not someone I wanted to be with in any type of relationship, other than friendship. Interestingly enough, throughout our tumultuous relationship, he’s had the opportunity to reject me but now I found myself having to reject him. Which begs the question, tis better to be rejected or to reject?

Being Rejected
We all remember a time when we were rejected by that special someone (if you haven’t then this is the wrong blog for you). Most likely he never told you he wanted out, instead he just disappeared. Perhaps you sensed his pulling away, as his calls decreased dramatically, he stop returning your text messages, and when you finally cornered (or rather stalked) him, he couldn’t seem to muster a reason other than “its me, not you”.

When you’re rejected, especially with no reason offered, it’s the not knowing that will drive you nuts. You and your girlfriends spend hours taking inventory of your insecurities as you try to analyze the demise of your relationship. Did he really like me? Maybe he was just too busy to be tied down? Could there be someone else? As you come up with zero satisfactory answers you vow to never do the same thing to anyone else.

Rejecting a Being
And then you find yourself in the situation where you’ve been involved with a guy for a while and you’ve determined that, although you like him, this is not the relationship for you. It’s now time for you to live up to your personal vow to be an adult and tell him you want out.

Most likely you start to remember how you felt when someone last rejected you, and you realize you don’t want to hurt his feelings. Then you think maybe I’ll just stop returning his phone calls and maybe he’ll get the hint, but then you remember the last time someone walked away from you and the frustration that ensued of not knowing why. You start to send a text message, but then you put your big girl panties on, call and give him the old standby line, “it’s me, not you”. After the call is over, you think that sucked and although you feel relieved you also feel guilty for breaking someone’s heart.

So which one is worse, being rejected by someone you really liked but understand they had their reasons? Or rejecting someone, knowing you’ve inflicted hurt onto someone you liked but just couldn’t make it work?

Personally, I think rejection of any kind sucks, but eventually you come to realize that it is them, not you. Seriously!

Out of Order

Maybe it's broken...

Believe it or not, there was a time in my life when a Saturday night out with a girlfriend was merely an excuse to go man hunting. We would get all dolled up in our sexiest clothes, the more you show the better your odds, and then teeter off to the newest hot spot in search of the “one” (because yes, he was in the clubs and bars despite what those old 30 plus year olds said).

Upon arrival, we would squeeze our way through the sea of people searching for the perfect bar seat that gave us the best opportunity to survey the crowd looking for hot guys. The added bonus, of course, would be people watching which was always one of our favorite past times. The rest of the evening would be spent scanning the room looking for a “sponsor” to buy us a drink and entertain us.

As I reflect back on those days of trying to snag a man, a hook-up or a friend, I’ve come to realize that I may have lost my dating mojo. I probably would be panicking right about now, if it were not for the fact that one of my girlfriends* has clearly lost hers too.

A few weeks ago, she and I made plans to actually get out of the house one Saturday night and decided to sashay over to a new bar in town. It turned out to be a really cool spot as we consumed fabulous cocktails, munched on yummy tapas, and chattered well into the evening.

I was in the middle of a story (which was funny, I’m sure) when I was approached by a slightly intoxicated guy so far from my type I wasn’t sure if he meant to talk to me or my girlfriend. Since I’m all for meeting new people, I politely engage in small talk before he asks if he could buy me a drink. Now, the younger me would have been all — “yes, I’d like another of what I’m having” because you never turn down free drinks, but instead I say, “no thanks, I have to drive home”. (More like I didn’t want to get a cab and potentially sleep on my friend’s bathroom floor.)

Thinking that would knock the wind out of his sails, I attempt to return back to my story, which I’m positive now was funny. However, that didn’t deter him as he proceeds to fill me in on his life details — in the music business, recently divorced, has an eight year old kid, and apparently likes his women of the chocolate variety (yes, he shared that with me).

So I’m nodding and smiling as I see my pursuer’s wingman, a rather short black man, make a beeline to my girlfriend. We had been tag teamed. Now, women with their dating mojo intact may have been all over this situation. Free drinks, musicians with connections (apparently Kid Rock and George Clintion, but no confirmation received), and no girl left behind to fend for herself. But not the two of us, instead in perfect unison as if part of a synchronized swim team, we both ask the bartender for our checks, insert laughter, leave our tips, insert hair flip, accept their numbers and then bolt for the door. Not a word exchanged between the two of us.

Clearly annoyed we stomp down to our cars when suddenly my friend busts out laughing. She points out that we both got hit on, ended up with phone numbers and we’re pissed off about it. I started feeling sad for us, but then I thought if they had been more our types that we would have stayed, drank and had a lovely time, but I the thing is I can’t say that for certain. Guess I need to go find my mojo, seriously?

* No names will be used…but she knows who she is.

Well, we’ve finally come to the conclusion of my A Seriously Series on Who Let The Dogs In, and I’ve saved my favorite point for last.

6. Like to be alone.

Unfortunately, being single often carries a stigma that there must certainly be something wrong with you if you aren’t in a serious relationship or married. Even more so, if you are a woman all up in your 30’s and haven’t found a man yet (shame on you Society).

Bridget Jones Diary

All By Myself

I think most of us single women can’t help but reflect back on the oh so close to home scene in Bridget Jones’s Diary, where a flannel pajama wearing Miss Jones is all alone on a Saturday night drinking wine, smoking and doing a tortured rendition of Celine Dion’s “All By Myself”. (Classic scene — check it out on YouTube.) Sadly, it’s a stereotype that has become many a single girl’s nightmare.

While being alone night after night can at times feel painful, I’ve come to learn that it’s no where near has painful as staying in a relationship with someone who is not good for you. So often women will jump from one bad relationship to the next in a desperate attempt to never be single or alone. However, in my years of going solo, I’ve actually come to learn so much about myself and what I want, or more importantly need, in a relationship. You’ve got to learn to like yourself before you can expect someone else to like you.

Learning to be alone can be intimidating and frightening, but it can actually be a lot of fun. Since you really have no one to entertain you, it falls to you to figure out what you like to do. What do you want to eat? What movies or tv shows do you want to watch? What hobbies do you enjoy? What do YOU want to do?

Of course, there are different ways to be alone and I’m not talking about the depressed, bitter and angry version. This time on your own should be reflective, introspective and inspiring. Think about it, it’s quite difficult to determine how you can improve or grow as a partner if you never taken the time to truly reflect back on your past relationship. What went wrong? What role did you play? What could you have done differently?

Taking that time, and I mean time as in months not days, to be alone and come to conclusions that can benefit you and your new man going forward. Man hopping simply doesn’t accomplish that, it just takes the old habits and problems into the next relationship.

So the next time you find yourself leaving a relationship, take some time off to heal, reflect and set new goals for yourself. You’ll be refreshed and ready to give it another go when the time is right. Of course, if you’re aren’t too careful, you might end up like me and enjoy being alone so much the thought of being in a relationship makes you cringe. But that’s another series, seriously?

I hate dating games. Don’t call him for at least three days. Don’t accept a date without a weeks notice. No kissing on the first date, and a whole host of other rules and regulations I probably don’t even know.

I want to believe that when you meet the right person there’s a connection that overrides all the unwritten rules and you just go with it. While every dating situation is unique there is one rule that actually has a grain of truth to it. Play hard to get.

As we near the end of my A Seriously Series on Who Let The Dogs In, I recently found myself once again reminded of the importance of point five:

5. Don’t Chase. Be Chased.

This is really a simple concept but I think so many of us forget how it truly works. So I put together a little presentation that explains the art of the chase:

movie star poodle

Are you able?

On more than one occasion, I’ve had men, who I knew personally and who I didn’t know from Adam, call me high maintenance. They would take one look at me and make the assumption that because I take care of my appearance, drive a nice car and enjoy good food and wine, I must surely expect my man to pay for my lifestyle – literally and figuratively.

I always find that observation frustrating, because I have never expected a man to pay for any of those things for me. Frankly, I’ve been taking care of myself most of my life, so my goal hasn’t been to find a man to keep me in expensive shoes, cars and other fine things.

But what I do expect is the one thing I have a hard time finding – respect, thoughtfulness, love and emotional support. I’m pretty sure that I’m not unlike most other women, who are also searching for a partner, a friend and a support system. Unfortunately, what happens is that we end of settling for only attention, affection and entertainment.

As part of my A Seriously Series on Who Let The Dogs In, I’ve noticed that women have lowered their expectations when it comes to finding a man which leads me to my fourth point:

4. Expect More.

It seems that many women forego their expectations or more likely minimize them when it comes to finding a man. It’s easy when you are sitting alone at home to daydream about the type of man you want and attach a mental (or written for you overachievers) checklist of expectations to that image. Unfortunately, after spending four Saturday nights alone, most of us start marking items off our list. The next thing you know, you’re at the bar with friends and some arrogant yahoo is telling you to buy him a drink, and you happily oblige and take his number. Without realizing it, you’ve slowly started to lower your expectations to the point of settling for less.

I was reminded the other day by my pastor, that true love is when someone pours themselves into you. They give more to the ones they love than they take from them. That’s what we should be expecting from a man.

I’ve always struggled with setting expectations because I tend to aim so high that it becomes impossible to obtain them. But I have to put my foot down when it comes to a man. If he doesn’t make me feel good about myself, if he refuses to be there when I need him, and he won’t respect me as his woman, then he’s not the one for me. If that means I’m high maintenance, then I’ll wear that badge with honor… Seriously!

I’m not a big fan of man bashing since it doesn’t really solve anything, but I do have to say this…there are some low down men roaming this planet. Not all men, because I know some great men who are loving, kind and faithful. I’m not talking about them, just the ones who are continuously being disrespectful, hurtful and rude to women.

Group of Dogs

Woof! Let Us Out!

Over the years, I’ve heard many a horror story from married and single women who have found themselves romantically involved with a man who clearly doesn’t respect them, love them or even like them. Unfortunately, I hear it so often that I’m starting to believe that maybe all men are dogs and there’s no hope of ever finding a good one. But then I thought, maybe it’s not necessarily the mens fault that these awful relationships continue to happen, maybe it’s the women?

There are so many beautiful, intelligent and amazing women in this world who continue to chase after losers and ultimately accept the abuse of these men. As soon as they get rid of one jerk, they simply trade him in for another. The stories are endless.

Well, I think it’s time for women to end the madness. To step up and start loving ourselves enough in order to train men how to treat a woman. I’m not a therapist (I just play one on this blog), but I do know there are a few things that every woman can do to help right the wrong that is occurring in our relationships. Since these are some tough topics, I’ve decided to break each point out into an individual post and make it a series, if you will. Here’s what us girls need to know:

1. He Can’t Be Fixed…by you.
I believe that people can change but not because someone sacrificed themselves to make it happen.

2. Get Puffed Up.
It’s time to build up your self-esteem and stop looking for validation from someone other than yourself.

3. Stop Sharing.
If he’s got another girl on the side, then let her have him and save yourself the heartache.

4. Expect More.
If he isn’t making you feel loved, respected and secure then he’s not a good man. <— did you see the period after that statement?

5. Don’t Chase. Be Chased.
If you are running after some guy who isn’t interested, then stop, turn around and take a look at the men chasing you.

6. Like To Be Alone.
Learn to enjoy your own company. If you don’t, can you really expect anyone else to?

A few years ago, I read a book called Why Men Love Bitches by Sherry Argov. She made several off the way, yet good points throughout her book that supported the idea that men are attracted to women who are confident, secure and don’t take any crap. Maybe if we demand that we be treated like Queens, we will stop settling for frogs, or at the very least be okay with ruling our kingdom alone.

I know this series will probably hurt some feelings, including my own, but honestly it’s time for the ladies to take back control and channel Aretha Franklin by demanding R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Showing love to someone else means giving without expecting anything in return. If you’re being treated otherwise, then it’s time to let the dog out, seriously.

Passing NotesI was in elementary school when I received my first love letter from a boy. Back in my day we didn’t have texting, emails or Facebook (and we walked uphill in the snow, both ways), so notes were done the old fashioned way…on wide ruled notebook paper.

As I was attentively listening to my 3rd grade teacher, Mrs. Arnold, explain how to add fractions, a small triangular piece of paper is flung on my desk. If I hadn’t been overtly aware of my surroundings I might have missed it but there it was folded horizontally three to four times and then folded repeatedly into a tight fat triangle. An observant teacher would have channeled her student’s unique paper folding techniques and maybe conducted an origami lesson or two?

On the top of the note, I see my name misspelled and so illegible that the poor author was clearly getting an F in penmanship. (Do they still teach this in schools today?) I quickly and stealthily scan the room as my heart races trying to determine which of my fellow male classmates had the guts to pass me a note during class. After failing to achieve any sort of eye contact from the sender, I anxiously unfold the note to see the words that form one simple sentence. Do you like me? Underneath is a box labeled Yes and next to it, a box labeled No. Signed Michael*.

The other day it dawned on me that the art of the like is gone especially when it comes to relationships, and I was reminded of the infamous elementary school ‘do you like me’ note. It seems the older we get the harder it is to tell someone that we like them. Despite your feelings, there’s the fear and anxiety of wondering if you’re revealing too much, too early or if he will think that you are wanting something more, too soon. I can’t remember the last time I heard or said I like you to a date. Part of life is about meeting and getting to know other people, and there are some, male or female, that you will like and there are others that you won’t.

One of my favorite things about Facebook is the abiity to “like” something instead of having to write a response. You can like pictures, statuses, comments, or businesses that you frequent. You simply click Like and a thumbs up displays next to your name. Maybe this simple process will remind us that is cool to tell others that we like them.

Although I was probably only eight years old, after reading my first like note, I unfortunately followed the lead of all other girls before me and made a box titled “maybe” and marked it accordingly. And thus begins the single girl’s journey of navigating the tricky waters of telling a boy how she really feels about him.

Just admit it, you like him. Seriously?

* More like name forgotten than name changed in this case.

Soapbox Diaries from an Unplanned Single Life!

I hope you enjoy the random thoughts, observations and life lessons that I've learned along the way. It's called Seriously? because some days I just shake my head and say seriously, is this my life?

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